Saturday, January 29, 2005
Its all like a game now...Im the toy being played around.. the ball being kicked around.. why me? its never easy to control oneself.. especially now that im 20 and still going strong.. going to graduate soon, going NS soon.. my annual dinner and dance is tomorrow..
i guess, what i said before is true...the first few flames are always hardest to extinguish..maybe its like a template formation... after it, a template is inprinted in my head, and well you cant remove that can you? no you cant, everything in life is base on something... a template we used or follow as a guide..
maybe i should just stop dreaming and just quit it.. cut my loses and lose the war... i just hate it when i cant get the things i want... i cant really accept those kind of failures.. never. i guess i just need to suck it up like a man and take it like a man..part and parcel of growing up. things will change, for the better and worst.. hopefully the former.. it can be annoying at times when life just dont feel like going your way.. when others can. maybe its due to all my sins..why am i forsaken? or am i ? deep stuff man, really deep stuff..
this romeo's bleeding, you cant see his blood....
smoke on the water.
12:32 AM
Monday, January 10, 2005
I did my EQ *emotional quotient* and will post it =)
Monday, January 10, 2005
Sinful emotions
There is a saying in the bible about the seven sins and envy is one of them. Well I am here to not talk about that but to talk about another emotion that is related to envy and that is jealousy. Firstly what is envy? It is the feeling of wanting something that someone else has. What is jealousy then? It is the feeling of anger or unhappiness because someone has something that you would like. Why is it related? Because it has something got to do with something that you would like to have. I discovered that jealousy can be a really powerful emotion if you let it get out of hand.
Well it started when I was in secondary 4. I was close to graduating and all and well the school had a function in which I attend. By that time, I had developed a natural feeling of liking for this girl friend I knew. Of course, it was manageable because I keep telling myself it’s natural for me to feel like so. Anyway, after the function the whole gang of friends went down to the shopping centre to have dinner together. It was going nicely until I saw the girl with another guy. She was bringing him around, introducing him to us as her “pet”. The guy was some junior in her school’s band and she found him cuddly cute. Of course when I saw this I got ticked off from the inside.
I mean I was “BANG”, like who in the hell is this guy? I can safely said, it was the first time when jealousy literally ran wild and I had the first taste of it. Fortunately, I was pretty darn good at hiding emotions and was able to keep a straight face throughout. God it was hard but I managed. My automatic thought was simple, walk to the guy and breaks his neck. Of course it was not my style to be so violent and well I tried to calm down. That is where my inner dialogue came into play.
I think it through and well I told myself I was over reacting and being irrational. She doesn’t even know I like her and the guy is just her junior who is also her friend. I knew she won’t date younger guys, just isn’t her style. If she were to know that I like her, she would not do such things. She won’t hurt my feelings like that as we are really close friends. Unfortunately, jealousy as I mentioned earlier is a really powerful emotion and well it did poisoned me a tat. I lost my appetite to eat and when I got home, I got all moody and agitated.
No matter how much I try to reason with myself about the whole situation, it hurt me inside and I felt so angst. It was like the devil himself was whispering into my ears. I kept asking myself “shouldn’t it be me?” and well I didn’t had any answers. I tried to vent it out by discussing about it with my friends online. It did help a bit but the jealousy lasted for several days. From that day onwards, I knew I was going to be the jealous type and it helped to actually talk it out to people. It is far better then to bottle it all up inside. Most importantly, these people understand what I am going through and that is nice. It helped me move on and well to forget about it because it is just a small matter. Girls go out with guys all the time and vice versa and the motivation behind it isn’t always sexual or romance or what.
I guess it’s in my nature to over react to certain situations but I got to admit, it seem to be the strongest when it comes to the girls I know. Jealousy can be seen as a form of protecting someone from something though it can get out of hand. Now days, if something like that happen like for example, when this girl *the same girl I mentioned earlier* said how Taufik Batisah is so cute or has a nice voice. I will purposely go on rumbling and well act all “agitated”. She sensed something was wrong and of course knew I was jealous. I jokingly admitted it and well she would laugh about it. When that happened, I felt better, much better.
Now days I openly admit my jealousy about certain things and I do joke about it at times. I have yet to fully understand or cope with the emotion but hey, emotions are neither good nor bad. It is just how you react to it that counts. To think of it, jealousy isn’t really sinful, only the thoughts that leads from it. But then again, I maybe wrong.
smoke on the water.
1:44 AM
